You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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