It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
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