I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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