Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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