I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
Randomize
