put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
