if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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