I want to kish your cheek
My cheeks are in Michigan
Oh my lips are kind of stretchy
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
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