I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
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