does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
Randomize
