Already got asked if we're dating
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
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