Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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