I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
Randomize
