i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
Randomize
