Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
