Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
Randomize
