my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
You drinking a lot?
No.
Define a lot
is it bad if I use the term bowl as a measurement of time, as in how long it takes to smoke a bowl?
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Randomize
