I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
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