like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize
