Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
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