Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
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