i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
