On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
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