You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize
