You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
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