i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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