somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Randomize
