I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
