I wish my penis had an off switch
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
Randomize
