Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
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