My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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