Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
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