if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
Randomize
