I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
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