I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
Randomize
