I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
