We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
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