so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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