For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
