Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
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