Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
