why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
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