Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
