God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
i'm forgoing the post-coitus cuddling sesh to ask u this :when he says he loves me and all i can think to say is either "cool" or "i love boning you," what do i do?
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
Randomize
