I'm lost and stupid without you.
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Randomize
