apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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