A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
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