I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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