haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
