Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
I want to fling myself into the sun
Randomize
