omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
Is it bad that on the course evaluation it said "do you normally try harder than other students in class" and i circled "absolutely false"?
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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