i think my tv is drunk
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
