He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Randomize
