I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Randomize
