Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
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