I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
Randomize
